Family is complex and confusing. Am I supposed to be loyal strictly because of my blood? My father and I have a very complicated relationship that I am hoping to explore more. I need to start allowing myself to confront the issues that are effecting me, but every time I begin to explore the complicated thoughts and feelings I have about my father (& brother, but that's a whole other story), I shut down.
As my first attempt to release some of the emotion that is festering, I am going to write one word that comes to mind when I think of my father... Belittle
I have never felt significant in my father's life and lately it has begun to bother me more and more. He has always said (and showed) his love for me, but has never really shown any interest in me. So many of the decisions i've made in my life were failed attempts to get his attention. Being a lifeguard, shooting at targets, riding dirt bikes, tagging along to boy scout meetings, helping build the cabana, joining the navy, getting tattoos, getting arrested, obsessing about college, all of it was in one way or another connected to him and wanting him to actually SEE me. I honestly believe he does not like me.
We are from two different worlds, yet I came from him. I am his blood, his experience, and his life. I exist only because he exists. Without him there would not have been me. Yet, we are polar opposites in so many ways. Religiously, politically, emotionally, fundamentally we are different.
Since my mother's death, we haven't been able to connect on a permanent basis. Our relationship has been strained on every level and communication is hardly there. It pains me. I long to have my father in my life and in my son's life. He seems to prefer a distance between us and would rather take care of my brother and his new wife. He seems content with where he is and what he has and seems to have zero interest in me. In 5 years, he hasn't visited me once. I've gone at least 4-7 times a year to see him.
I am not easy to understand. I am not a perfect daughter. I assume he just doesn't like me.
It just sucks.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Trying to Stay Upright
Extreme changes have warped my sensibilities. I am struggling to stay above water right now. I feel beaten and bruised. I am now unemployed. I need to collect my thoughts. I need to record my struggle. I need to find motivation to stay functional and not curl up on the couch. Trying to stay upright!
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