Trying to Stay Upright

Extreme changes have warped my sensibilities.  I am struggling to stay above water right now.  I feel beaten and bruised.  I am now unemployed.  I need to collect my thoughts.  I need to record my struggle.  I need to find motivation to stay functional and not curl up on the couch.  Trying to stay upright!

Fare Thee Well, Sir Jeff Corwin The Fish

It was a rough and dramatic evening with Dillan fast asleep on the couch, at the ready in case of an emergency trip to the Vet, and I with fish scooper in one hand and google in the other. 

As I googled "Guppies"(thanks Wikipedia), I had to occasionally (every 5 minutes), give Jeff Corwin, The Fish, a nudge, ever so gently, to wake him up from his weird trans. He was going between flipping belly up, to spazzing out and swimming like Michael Phelps. Google and Wikipedia told me that it was most likely something referred to as "The Shimmies".

Believing I could miraculously nurse this fish back to life, I raised the temp of the water slowly all night long and added Marine salt (ok, it was really just sea salt, but it seems to me they might be the same... no?) to try and get it more BRACKISH (yeah, I had to look that up too!).

The endless gentle nudging of Sir Jeff Corwin The Fish, sadly ended this morning. Somewhere between the hours of 3:30(ish)am & 5:45(ish)am (I fell asleep on watch), he gracefully swam to the ocean in the sky (?).

He was a good fish. He was a fine swimmer, a patient pet, and most of all he was as Dillan liked to call him... "A Disco Fish".

Fare thee well Sir Jeff Corwin The Fish. Services will be held in the bathroom at 305 Indian Way, sometime later this evening.

You can make donations in Jeff Corwin, The Fish's name to the Jeff Corwin The Fish Foundation. :) (Also, if anyone has any fish recommendations we would greatly appreciate them... we are definitely trying again)

Morning Coffee

My head is foggy, my back aches, my feet are throbbing, but my coffee sure does taste good.  Sitting and enjoying this first cup as the sleep clears from my eyes and my muscles start to wake up is one of my favorite moments of the day.  Good Morning World!

Total Dizzy Spell

Do I think about what to write or do I just write?  That is the question.  

I am approaching this blogging thing as sort of an experiment.  I am thinking of it as an opportunity to explore myself in a therapeutic way without having to go sit and rant to some stuffy therapist who I'm not really going to let in anyway (see, I put up walls).

At least this way I am controlling what I share and to what extent (control issues).  I see it as having 2 possible outcomes. 1) I get more comfortable doing it and start sharing more openly or 2) I get completely and utterly sick of it and give up in a couple days (ugh - quitter).  Either way, I have control, not some overpaid listener.

I am someone who is relatively self aware, but that does NOT mean I make good choices or say the right things.  More often than not, my mouth says what it wants and I feel like a prisoner inside screaming... "NO, DON'T SAY THAT!".

Sorting my life out via blog is probably a ridiculous idea and definitely a little crazy, but I really have a lot to share, and I think that it's time I do.  If someone is supposed to hear my stories, then they will find me and my blog and they will read them.  Ta Da.. the end. 

I have so many crazy life experiences that need to be shared, I need to understand how they have impacted me and made me who I am.  I really just don't know where to start.  There was the time I almost got in a fight with a stripper named Bambi in Tijuana, or the time my best friend and I almost got kicked out of the Navy for making prank phone calls, theres the 20 year battle my mom had with a cancerous brain tumor, oh and then theres the rare disease that my son was born with that prevents him from eating protein, oh and stories from Memphis, Chicago, San Diego, my road trips across the US, my arrest, single parenthood, paranoia, growing up in the 80's and 90's, family, politics, religion, death, UGH... there's just so much.  Where do I start?